A New Chapter

It's been awhile, but I'm in a whole new place since the last blog post. I'm happy and excited. We went to the adoption seminar and it was wonderful! Everyone there was so gracious and caring. It was a small intimate group. Only 4 couples includimg us. We got to connect with the other couples and hear their stories. It was so great to hear other women say how I have felt through this entire process. I'm so happy we were referred to this agency. It wasn't just about adoption, but it was about us and what we've been through. Hearing about the adoption process changed everything for me. I was so stuck in what I was loosing and now I'm excited about what I will be gaining. I finally feel at peace.

So, a new chapter begins! We are very excited to 'officially' annouce we are starting the adoption process. Since this a the beginning of a new chapter, this blog has come to an end. We will be documinting our journey on our new blog, A Journey of Hope. I hope you will follow us there!

Oh and I guess I should mention, we did do one last IUI and I did not get pregnant. And...it's okay. We feel very blessed to grow our family through adoption and can not wait to hold and love the child God has chosen for us.

Consultation

We decided to have another consultation with our Dr. I honestly did not want to, but I know my husband and I both needed to. We have to find closure. I'm not okay. I'm depressed. I'm someone I don't even know right now. I'm a happy, positive, trust in God person, but I'm not that person anymore. At least not right now. I just keep praying for this to pass. Praying for resolve. Praying for acceptance. Praying for peace. I'm so heart broken I haven't even been able to think about adoption. I have always felt that if we couldn't conceive we would adopt, but I just can't think about it right now. All I can think about is how I won't be able to hear a heart beat for the first time. I won't be able to feel a baby kick in my belly. I won't be able to have that pregnancy glow. So many things I'm not going to be able to experience. And worst, I'm angry at those that get to experience it and don't even know what a blessing it is! I know that sounds horrible, but every time I see a mom treating their child in a way a child does not deserve to be treated, I get angry. I want to walk up to her and say, "Do you even realize how blessed you are." I know it's misplaced anger and it's just me feeling sorry for myself, but it's there and I can't deny it. Everything I'm feeling right now is uncomfortable because it's not who I am. I just want myself back.

We didn't really learn anything new in our consultation. The Dr. said that he is surprised I'm even getting pregnant. Of course I want to hold on to that, but I can't!! So MANY women are told this and it truly gives a false sense of hope. I'm may be getting pregnant, but my body keeps rejecting the pregnancy. He also said after the 3rd miscarry, the risk of miscarriage goes up even higher. I'm already a high risk!!

So, we've decided to do one more IUI. I'm not sure why, but I just feel I need a different ending. I don't mean getting pregnant, but just a different ending. I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen this last time around. Not that I will be prepared this next time, but I can be more realistic. The thought of one last IUI is also bringing back to adoption. This is it. If it doesn't happen, no more! We move on to adoptoin. And since the adoption seminar isn't till the end of January, that gives us enough time.

I just want closure. I just want to find peace.

Miscarriage

I got blood work today and my numbers have not gone up enough. I will again miscarry. I'm devastated. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm heart broken and so many other feelings right now. Why?! It may have been very brief, but I got to feel pregnant. I got to enjoy the the thought of the idea. And it's all been taken away. Just like that. Gone. Now what? I feel broken. I know this has to pass, but I feel like I won't be okay for a very long time. I was ready for adoption before this. I had moved on. I was okay. I don't understand why it would even be necessary to have to go through this. Why? The worst part is I can feel my faith being tested. I know God wants good for me, so why am I meant to go through this. I know the answer, but it's doesn't take the pain and anger away. Just let me move on! Don't lift me up to bring me back down. I know in my heart this isn't God trying to hurt me. I know someday down the road I will feel different than I do today and all my questions will have been answered. But today, I'm hurt and I'm angry.

Spotting

I woke up at about  5am needing to use the restroom and I'm spotting!! I'm freaking out. I got a hold of a nurse and she said spotting can be perfectly normal. I wish that was comforting, but it's not. I also have no more symptoms. Just like that, they are gone! She tried saying that could be normal too, but she wasn't very believable. I could tell she was just trying to make me feell better till I can come in tomorrow to get blood work. I want to be positive, but I can just feel something is wrong.

Enjoying This

The wonderful hubby brought me some beautiful flowers yesterday. :) Our baby is settling in and the size of a sesame seed. The nausea has already started and by breasts hurt!! Sorry for the directness, but oh wow do they hurt! It's so hard to believe this is all real. It won't truly feel real till we get to hear the heartbeat. Our appointment for that is set for the first week of December. I can't wait!

Pregnant!!

We are pregnant!! I took a blood test today and my numbers look good! We are going to have a July baby! I can't even believe it. Although, by the time you see this post, I will be 3 months. I'm saving this as a draft for  now. We are only telling family. Since I'm a high risk for miscarriage, it's better to just let family know.

I know I need to wait to make any plans or start a baby register till the 3 month mark, but it's hard not to! I'm a planner and I want to plan. ;) I won't do any planning, but I do know a baby show will be happening in Los Angeles! :) That's it for now.

Positive!!

Just when you think you have a plan, everything changes. My cycle hadn't started, so I took another pregnancy test. Positive! I can't even believe it. I'm trying not to get too excited. I go in tomorrow for a blood test.

Negative Again

Took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I'm okay. It just means adoption is in God's plan for us. Now to get the ball rolling!! I'm exited about this new journey. We still have a little waiting to do though. We can't get started with the process till we attend the seminar. So more to come in January of 2014! :)

Seminar

We won't be able to make this next adoption seminar. This time of year is just too hard for Chris and I to take off work. It's the busy season for both of us. I'm disappointed, but I'm trusting God's plan. The next one is the end of January. What better way to start out the new year, right? Of course, there is always the chance I could be pregnant. I just don't want to focus on that.

Keep Moving Forward

Waiting is never easy, but I really want to keep moving forward. The next adoption seminar is the end of November and we are planing on going. :) I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm surprised how calm I feel this time around. I even keep forgetting the date I'm supposed to take the pregnancy test. It's comforting to feel this at ease. I guess it's what happens when you let go of control. :)