It's been an extremely busy end of year, which may have been good to help me de-focus a little while we tried to get everything in order to prepare for taking out a very big loan. I got a promotion at work! (Yay me.) The biggest thing we need for our loan is collateral. My car is a Subaru that we bought new and the great thing about Subaru's, they hold their value. It's not enough for the entire loan, but hopefully enough for at least half. We got the balling rolling for the loan on December 20th only to have it stop! Well...it's rolling again. It's been a very frustrating......oh wait, it's only been a week. It feels like it's been a lot longer than a week! Amazing how that happens.
The first bank we were going to go through, the loan officer was out till the 4th of January. I'm trying to schedule my surgery for January 8th, so that wasn't going to work. I decided to call my bank which is a credit union to see if maybe that's the route we should go. It started out very smoothly. I even found out I have A+ credit!!! I actually thought I had bad credit so this was great, GREAT news!! The only downfall is I don't have credit. I have one credit card and apparently part of having good credit, is to have credit. I don't like credit! So, as a joke I said, "Well, give me a loan and I'll have more credit." ha! :) The loan officer, Jim took all the info on our cars, ran credit reports, etc., etc., and then I heard nothing. Nothing!! I left message after message. I know I should show a little patience being the time of year it is, but patience is just not an option right now. I need to pay for the surgery in cash, and my husband is worried about interest rates going up the first of the year. So we basically need things done now! I finally spoke with several loan officers yesterday letting them know how frustrated I was that Jim was not getting back to us. Finally heard from Jim today! We went over the vehicle info...again...a little frustrating, but it is what it is. So now....the paper work is being sent to the underwriters and we should know today if we are approved. Talk about the perfect situation for an ulcer to invade my body! My stomach is in knots! I feel like it's been such an emotional, stressful year and I do hope that 2013 is the beginning of good news.
On another note, I have an amazing friend back home, Linda, that has been trying to help us in any way she can. I wasn't sure I was going to share this, but as she has reminded me, I need to accept that we need help. This is a huge financial undertaking and I worry so much about our financial future. She set-up a fund for us and I can't express how much we appreciate those that have donated to our cause. We have a special savings account setup for our baby fund and how wonderful it is not to have a $0 balance. This truthfully has helped keep me going when I have wanted to give up. So thank you to those that have helped. I have felt so much love during all of this.
Me
This journey begins with a lot of excitement and fears, which was the reason for this blog when I started it in 2010. It was meant to be an outlet for me, but after only two posts, I quickly realized I was a far more private person than I thought. Three years later, we are still on this journey and a lot has changed. I've come to realize that sharing this very personal journey may not only help me, but may help another woman going through the same thing.
A little about me. I've endured a lot of heart-break growing up. Through heart-aches I've gained strength, courage, faith, and the ability to laugh. I truly believe with God, loving friends and laughter, any soul can heal. I'm a strong and positive person, but I can feel this journey is testing the very person that I am. I'm grateful to have awesome women in my life walking with me. I'm also blessed with an amazing husband. I've had to be strong a lot in my life, but he has taken that burden from me, and I just couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.
A little about me. I've endured a lot of heart-break growing up. Through heart-aches I've gained strength, courage, faith, and the ability to laugh. I truly believe with God, loving friends and laughter, any soul can heal. I'm a strong and positive person, but I can feel this journey is testing the very person that I am. I'm grateful to have awesome women in my life walking with me. I'm also blessed with an amazing husband. I've had to be strong a lot in my life, but he has taken that burden from me, and I just couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Moving Forward
Today my nerves are a wreck! We are already receiving medical bills we were told were covered, but turns out they are not. We also finally got the amount of the surgery I need. Moving forward has me freaking out a little. The breakdown of what all this is going to cost is incredibly overwhelming.
Surgery: $6,450.00 (estimate)
IVF: $17,900.00
Coordination and Care Fee: $926.50
Medications: up to $7,000
Anesthesia: $400.00
Total: 32,676.50
I'm not sure what the hardest part about all this is, but I do think it's the financial aspect. Taking out this much money is going to make things hard. Very hard. When we were at the Dr.'s office and he was going over all the costs, I just wanted to start laughing! Really. I wanted to, but I refrained. Laughing is a bit of a coping mechanism for me. I was worried if I started laughing, I'd end up crying and the Dr. would think I was nuts. And the money has increased substantially since that visit. I know the money will all be worth it, but it's hard to wrap my mind around. Of course, the bigger fear is what if we don't get approved for a loan.
I have a lot of fears and get caught up in the 'what ifs'.
What if they find something unexpected in surgery?
What if IVF doesn't take the first time?
What if my eggs aren't healthy enough?
What if I don't have enough healthy eggs for IVF a second time if the first time doesn't work?
What if IVF doesn't take a second time?
What if we can't get a loan?
What if we can't get any more money if IVF doesn't work the first time?
What if we go through all of the above, IVF doesn't work, how would we then afford adoption?
I know, I have to let go of it all, but it's not easy. Some days are better than others. Today is a hard day and my eyes will not stop welling up with tears. I am thankful that I have more good days than bad. I'm surrounded by a lot of love and support which carries me through the bad days. I'm thankful to have such amazing friends and an amazing husband. My husband has truly been my rock through this. Every time I get caught up in the 'what ifs' he tells me, "one way or another, we WILL figure this out." I love him. I'm grateful for his strength when I'm not feeling so strong. So, even though today has been hard with off and on tears, I am grateful for so much.
Surgery: $6,450.00 (estimate)
IVF: $17,900.00
Coordination and Care Fee: $926.50
Medications: up to $7,000
Anesthesia: $400.00
Total: 32,676.50
I'm not sure what the hardest part about all this is, but I do think it's the financial aspect. Taking out this much money is going to make things hard. Very hard. When we were at the Dr.'s office and he was going over all the costs, I just wanted to start laughing! Really. I wanted to, but I refrained. Laughing is a bit of a coping mechanism for me. I was worried if I started laughing, I'd end up crying and the Dr. would think I was nuts. And the money has increased substantially since that visit. I know the money will all be worth it, but it's hard to wrap my mind around. Of course, the bigger fear is what if we don't get approved for a loan.
I have a lot of fears and get caught up in the 'what ifs'.
What if they find something unexpected in surgery?
What if IVF doesn't take the first time?
What if my eggs aren't healthy enough?
What if I don't have enough healthy eggs for IVF a second time if the first time doesn't work?
What if IVF doesn't take a second time?
What if we can't get a loan?
What if we can't get any more money if IVF doesn't work the first time?
What if we go through all of the above, IVF doesn't work, how would we then afford adoption?
I know, I have to let go of it all, but it's not easy. Some days are better than others. Today is a hard day and my eyes will not stop welling up with tears. I am thankful that I have more good days than bad. I'm surrounded by a lot of love and support which carries me through the bad days. I'm thankful to have such amazing friends and an amazing husband. My husband has truly been my rock through this. Every time I get caught up in the 'what ifs' he tells me, "one way or another, we WILL figure this out." I love him. I'm grateful for his strength when I'm not feeling so strong. So, even though today has been hard with off and on tears, I am grateful for so much.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Feeling Stuck
I started this blog over two years ago and had only written two blog posts. Over two years later my husband and I are still on this journey. We are in a place we did not expect to be and thought we'd surely have a baby by now. It hasn't happened.
I now wish I had been writing about the past few months. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and finally had the opportunity to talk with a women that has also gone through the same thing. Hearing her story, and how she struggled and made it to the other side has brought me back to this blog. Going through infertility issues is a very alone feeling process. I'm blessed to have wonderful friends who have been supporting me through this, but there's still that feeling of, "Do they really understand what I'm feeling." Yes, they try to, but when you hear the words you are feeling from a person who has gone through the same exact thing, that alone feeling suddenly disappears. It caused me to re-think my level of privacy and how it is a bit selfish to keep what I'm going through all to myself and share only with those closet to me. This isn't something people talk about, and yet so many women have been through this and are going through it at this very moment. I hope by opening up and writing about this journey I might help another, even if only one women, not feel so alone.
This blog post will probably be a lengthy one since so much has happened in the past few months. I hope you will bare with me and read till the end.
August 13th we had our first consultation. My husband was working, so I wasn't sure he'd be able to make the consultation. Truthfully, I wasn't too worried if he made it or not. It's just a consult, right? I'm very grateful he felt the need to be there. I didn't know it, but I needed him there. The moment I walked up to the door my stomach started doing flip flops.
Nothing major was said during the consultation. We talked about all the things needed to make a baby (and most think you just need to have sex, not so much) and all the tests we would have to do. Wait, did I say we? Okay, my husband had to do one test. I had an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with a list of tests! And on that day I got four tubes of blood drawn and two more tubes of blood taken on a later date!
My tests would have to wait until my next cycle which fortunately was two days later, so we were able to get started right away. I was also going to be leaving for three weeks for work, and then leave again a week after that trip. The timing worked out great. Within a few days, I had blood drawn, a urine test, an ultrasound, an HSG test, and started ovulation testing. I will only go into detail about one test though.
August 20th. The HSG test. There is no nice way to describe my experience, it was horrible! Absolutely horrible! First off, the HSG test is done to check if the tubes are open. They stick a very tiny tube through the cervix and shoot dye through the tubes. They then take an x-ray. This of course being the layman's explanation. Before I go any further, I should mention, I do not do well with pain. No, really. I don't. The first HSG test was unsuccessful. This meant coming back four days later, but this time I was going to have to have my cervix dilated. Dilated! I now know exactly what that means, but at the time...no idea. Anyone that has given birth knows this causes a contraction. So, the night before I went to bed, I inserted the medicine (yes, inserted where you are thinking). I woke up at about 4am in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt! I basically had about a 6 hour constant contraction. This pretty much throws out any thoughts of a natural child birth. The HSG test was also extremely painful. They gave me valium to help me relax, but it did absolutely nothing. I do know two women that have also gone through this and said, "It wasn't that bad." So, this is just my experience and it was terribly painful.
August 29th. This roller coaster ride truly began. I was now out of town and my husband was back at home. I got to the hotel from work and received an email from my Dr.'s nurse informing me that they got the HSG results and that both of my tubes were blocked. I'm still trying to decide if this type of news should be sent via email. Of course, my emotions took over with this news and my husband wasn't there. My husband was actually furious that I was sent this info via email.
Once back from my trips we made our consultation appointment to go over all the tests. I already knew IVF would be my only option, but was not expecting more bad news. Not only are both my tubes blocked, I have a distally blocked fallopian tube which will need to be surgically removed before we can do IVF. I pretty much sat there in disbelief. When the Dr. was done explaining everything and going over the x-rays, he looked to us waiting for us to say something. All I could do was look at my husband and say, "If I say anything, I will cry." Of course we all know what comes after a statement like that, the tears. I felt so helpless.
I really never imagined wanting a baby would come down to all this. Isn't the script already written? Find a good man. Check. Get married. Check. Buy a home. Check. Get a puppy (or two). Check. Get pregnant. Have a baby. This is the story we women believe will happen, and for most women it goes according to the plan. But then there are those of us that the plan takes a very unexpected turn and we aren't prepared or even know how to begin processing it all. There are the 'what ifs', the financial aspect which I can't even begin to wrap my head around, my age, and of course, the 'why me'. It's a lot to process.
I am a women of Faith. I believe God has a plan and purpose for us all. Believing in that plan has been hard for me the last few weeks. My faith has been tested, not by God, but by me. Issues from my past have resurfaced. The biggest one for me is feeling broken. This is an issue I dealt with as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and now it seems it's back to haunt me again. I've been praying, but have not felt connected. To be completely honest, a part of me has been scared to connect with God. Connecting with God means I need to let go, trust, and except I have no control over the outcome. It means I need to walk in faith.
October 6th. I was searching through Amazons free mp3's and I came across a song sung by many artists and a song I know very well. "How Great is Our God", this version by Kimberly and Alberto Rivera. I felt lifted. For the first time in weeks I felt okay. I felt God with me. I felt my grandmother with me. I felt my mentor, Yvonne that I lost many years ago with me. I felt a moment of peace. As simple and as quick as that, all my fears were not necessarily gone, but were quiet. I was feeling so stuck in my emotions and I finally felt I could move forward. I have no idea what moving forward meant this night, but I felt I could move.
Next post, moving forward.
I now wish I had been writing about the past few months. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and finally had the opportunity to talk with a women that has also gone through the same thing. Hearing her story, and how she struggled and made it to the other side has brought me back to this blog. Going through infertility issues is a very alone feeling process. I'm blessed to have wonderful friends who have been supporting me through this, but there's still that feeling of, "Do they really understand what I'm feeling." Yes, they try to, but when you hear the words you are feeling from a person who has gone through the same exact thing, that alone feeling suddenly disappears. It caused me to re-think my level of privacy and how it is a bit selfish to keep what I'm going through all to myself and share only with those closet to me. This isn't something people talk about, and yet so many women have been through this and are going through it at this very moment. I hope by opening up and writing about this journey I might help another, even if only one women, not feel so alone.
This blog post will probably be a lengthy one since so much has happened in the past few months. I hope you will bare with me and read till the end.
August 13th we had our first consultation. My husband was working, so I wasn't sure he'd be able to make the consultation. Truthfully, I wasn't too worried if he made it or not. It's just a consult, right? I'm very grateful he felt the need to be there. I didn't know it, but I needed him there. The moment I walked up to the door my stomach started doing flip flops.
Nothing major was said during the consultation. We talked about all the things needed to make a baby (and most think you just need to have sex, not so much) and all the tests we would have to do. Wait, did I say we? Okay, my husband had to do one test. I had an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with a list of tests! And on that day I got four tubes of blood drawn and two more tubes of blood taken on a later date!
My tests would have to wait until my next cycle which fortunately was two days later, so we were able to get started right away. I was also going to be leaving for three weeks for work, and then leave again a week after that trip. The timing worked out great. Within a few days, I had blood drawn, a urine test, an ultrasound, an HSG test, and started ovulation testing. I will only go into detail about one test though.
August 20th. The HSG test. There is no nice way to describe my experience, it was horrible! Absolutely horrible! First off, the HSG test is done to check if the tubes are open. They stick a very tiny tube through the cervix and shoot dye through the tubes. They then take an x-ray. This of course being the layman's explanation. Before I go any further, I should mention, I do not do well with pain. No, really. I don't. The first HSG test was unsuccessful. This meant coming back four days later, but this time I was going to have to have my cervix dilated. Dilated! I now know exactly what that means, but at the time...no idea. Anyone that has given birth knows this causes a contraction. So, the night before I went to bed, I inserted the medicine (yes, inserted where you are thinking). I woke up at about 4am in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt! I basically had about a 6 hour constant contraction. This pretty much throws out any thoughts of a natural child birth. The HSG test was also extremely painful. They gave me valium to help me relax, but it did absolutely nothing. I do know two women that have also gone through this and said, "It wasn't that bad." So, this is just my experience and it was terribly painful.
August 29th. This roller coaster ride truly began. I was now out of town and my husband was back at home. I got to the hotel from work and received an email from my Dr.'s nurse informing me that they got the HSG results and that both of my tubes were blocked. I'm still trying to decide if this type of news should be sent via email. Of course, my emotions took over with this news and my husband wasn't there. My husband was actually furious that I was sent this info via email.
Once back from my trips we made our consultation appointment to go over all the tests. I already knew IVF would be my only option, but was not expecting more bad news. Not only are both my tubes blocked, I have a distally blocked fallopian tube which will need to be surgically removed before we can do IVF. I pretty much sat there in disbelief. When the Dr. was done explaining everything and going over the x-rays, he looked to us waiting for us to say something. All I could do was look at my husband and say, "If I say anything, I will cry." Of course we all know what comes after a statement like that, the tears. I felt so helpless.
I really never imagined wanting a baby would come down to all this. Isn't the script already written? Find a good man. Check. Get married. Check. Buy a home. Check. Get a puppy (or two). Check. Get pregnant. Have a baby. This is the story we women believe will happen, and for most women it goes according to the plan. But then there are those of us that the plan takes a very unexpected turn and we aren't prepared or even know how to begin processing it all. There are the 'what ifs', the financial aspect which I can't even begin to wrap my head around, my age, and of course, the 'why me'. It's a lot to process.
I am a women of Faith. I believe God has a plan and purpose for us all. Believing in that plan has been hard for me the last few weeks. My faith has been tested, not by God, but by me. Issues from my past have resurfaced. The biggest one for me is feeling broken. This is an issue I dealt with as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and now it seems it's back to haunt me again. I've been praying, but have not felt connected. To be completely honest, a part of me has been scared to connect with God. Connecting with God means I need to let go, trust, and except I have no control over the outcome. It means I need to walk in faith.
October 6th. I was searching through Amazons free mp3's and I came across a song sung by many artists and a song I know very well. "How Great is Our God", this version by Kimberly and Alberto Rivera. I felt lifted. For the first time in weeks I felt okay. I felt God with me. I felt my grandmother with me. I felt my mentor, Yvonne that I lost many years ago with me. I felt a moment of peace. As simple and as quick as that, all my fears were not necessarily gone, but were quiet. I was feeling so stuck in my emotions and I finally felt I could move forward. I have no idea what moving forward meant this night, but I felt I could move.
Next post, moving forward.
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