Consultation

We decided to have another consultation with our Dr. I honestly did not want to, but I know my husband and I both needed to. We have to find closure. I'm not okay. I'm depressed. I'm someone I don't even know right now. I'm a happy, positive, trust in God person, but I'm not that person anymore. At least not right now. I just keep praying for this to pass. Praying for resolve. Praying for acceptance. Praying for peace. I'm so heart broken I haven't even been able to think about adoption. I have always felt that if we couldn't conceive we would adopt, but I just can't think about it right now. All I can think about is how I won't be able to hear a heart beat for the first time. I won't be able to feel a baby kick in my belly. I won't be able to have that pregnancy glow. So many things I'm not going to be able to experience. And worst, I'm angry at those that get to experience it and don't even know what a blessing it is! I know that sounds horrible, but every time I see a mom treating their child in a way a child does not deserve to be treated, I get angry. I want to walk up to her and say, "Do you even realize how blessed you are." I know it's misplaced anger and it's just me feeling sorry for myself, but it's there and I can't deny it. Everything I'm feeling right now is uncomfortable because it's not who I am. I just want myself back.

We didn't really learn anything new in our consultation. The Dr. said that he is surprised I'm even getting pregnant. Of course I want to hold on to that, but I can't!! So MANY women are told this and it truly gives a false sense of hope. I'm may be getting pregnant, but my body keeps rejecting the pregnancy. He also said after the 3rd miscarry, the risk of miscarriage goes up even higher. I'm already a high risk!!

So, we've decided to do one more IUI. I'm not sure why, but I just feel I need a different ending. I don't mean getting pregnant, but just a different ending. I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen this last time around. Not that I will be prepared this next time, but I can be more realistic. The thought of one last IUI is also bringing back to adoption. This is it. If it doesn't happen, no more! We move on to adoptoin. And since the adoption seminar isn't till the end of January, that gives us enough time.

I just want closure. I just want to find peace.

Miscarriage

I got blood work today and my numbers have not gone up enough. I will again miscarry. I'm devastated. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm heart broken and so many other feelings right now. Why?! It may have been very brief, but I got to feel pregnant. I got to enjoy the the thought of the idea. And it's all been taken away. Just like that. Gone. Now what? I feel broken. I know this has to pass, but I feel like I won't be okay for a very long time. I was ready for adoption before this. I had moved on. I was okay. I don't understand why it would even be necessary to have to go through this. Why? The worst part is I can feel my faith being tested. I know God wants good for me, so why am I meant to go through this. I know the answer, but it's doesn't take the pain and anger away. Just let me move on! Don't lift me up to bring me back down. I know in my heart this isn't God trying to hurt me. I know someday down the road I will feel different than I do today and all my questions will have been answered. But today, I'm hurt and I'm angry.

Spotting

I woke up at about  5am needing to use the restroom and I'm spotting!! I'm freaking out. I got a hold of a nurse and she said spotting can be perfectly normal. I wish that was comforting, but it's not. I also have no more symptoms. Just like that, they are gone! She tried saying that could be normal too, but she wasn't very believable. I could tell she was just trying to make me feell better till I can come in tomorrow to get blood work. I want to be positive, but I can just feel something is wrong.

Enjoying This

The wonderful hubby brought me some beautiful flowers yesterday. :) Our baby is settling in and the size of a sesame seed. The nausea has already started and by breasts hurt!! Sorry for the directness, but oh wow do they hurt! It's so hard to believe this is all real. It won't truly feel real till we get to hear the heartbeat. Our appointment for that is set for the first week of December. I can't wait!

Pregnant!!

We are pregnant!! I took a blood test today and my numbers look good! We are going to have a July baby! I can't even believe it. Although, by the time you see this post, I will be 3 months. I'm saving this as a draft for  now. We are only telling family. Since I'm a high risk for miscarriage, it's better to just let family know.

I know I need to wait to make any plans or start a baby register till the 3 month mark, but it's hard not to! I'm a planner and I want to plan. ;) I won't do any planning, but I do know a baby show will be happening in Los Angeles! :) That's it for now.

Positive!!

Just when you think you have a plan, everything changes. My cycle hadn't started, so I took another pregnancy test. Positive! I can't even believe it. I'm trying not to get too excited. I go in tomorrow for a blood test.

Negative Again

Took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I'm okay. It just means adoption is in God's plan for us. Now to get the ball rolling!! I'm exited about this new journey. We still have a little waiting to do though. We can't get started with the process till we attend the seminar. So more to come in January of 2014! :)

Seminar

We won't be able to make this next adoption seminar. This time of year is just too hard for Chris and I to take off work. It's the busy season for both of us. I'm disappointed, but I'm trusting God's plan. The next one is the end of January. What better way to start out the new year, right? Of course, there is always the chance I could be pregnant. I just don't want to focus on that.

Keep Moving Forward

Waiting is never easy, but I really want to keep moving forward. The next adoption seminar is the end of November and we are planing on going. :) I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm surprised how calm I feel this time around. I even keep forgetting the date I'm supposed to take the pregnancy test. It's comforting to feel this at ease. I guess it's what happens when you let go of control. :)

Last IUI

Today is our last IUI. I feel good! I feel calm. I feel as if I will be okay with what ever happens. I'm turning it over to God. If we get pregnant, great! If we don't, then God's plan for us is adoption which will be just as much of a beautiful experience. What we want most, is to be parents. However this comes to be, we will be happy and feel blessed.

A New Direction

I'm feeling a lot better after my last blog post. A break is just what I needed. I'm coming to terms that conceiving a child just may not happen for us, and that's okay. Conceiving a child is not the only way to start a family. There is adoption. Something we talk about frequently. In 2012 we even met with someone regarding adoption to get more information. In August of this year we were referred to an adoption agency and have connected with them. We have to attend their seminar before we can start the process. We wanted to attend their August seminar, but my husband wasn't able to miss work the dates of the seminar. We're  planning on attending the November one. I really feel this is the direction God is leading us to. My husband isn't there just yet. He's open to it, but still is really hoping we can conceive. When we started the infertility process, we agreed to do 3 IUI's and I need to stick to our plan. Closure is important for both of us and I know for my husband he needs to follow through with what we initially agreed on.

So, we'll be doing one more IUI and that's it. I'm actually smiling again with the thought of moving on to adoption. :)

Need a Break

We are taking a break this month from doing another IUI. I'm really struggling emotionally. I'm wanting to understand why we are going through this and I know there is no answer. I know God is in charge, but I really wish I was in charge. I'm having a really hard time letting go. I'm moody and extremely sensitive right now. I just have to step back and take a small break to get centered again. I need to get connected with God again. It is only with God's strength and grace that I can get through this.

Negative Test

Today was the day to take a pregnancy test which also happens to be my husband's birthday. Wouldn't it have been an amazing birthday to get a positive test. It sucks. This all just really sucks!!! I'm happy we are going out for his birthday with some very wonderful friends this evening. Tonight we will still celebrate. We will celebrate the wonderful man that I married, whom I love so much.

IUI #2

Today is IUI 2. I feel a little numb this time around. I want to be as excited as the first IUI, but I'm just not. I'm not down either. I guess I'm just at a loss and don't know how to feel. Not much of an update with this IUI>

Blood Work

Today has been an awful day. I went in for blood work and my numbers were to low. The pregnancy will not stick. My body is gong to reject the pregnancy and I will miscarry. I just went from being on cloud nine to....I don't even have the words. I made signs for my dogs to tell my husband! Why did I do that. I'm sure the nurse warned me to wait till the blood test, but I guess I didn't hear it or ignored it. Not much more to say today.

Positive Pregnancy Test

Took a pregnancy test today and got a positive. I'm so excited! I couldn't stop crying. Tears of joy of course. If only video could have been taken, but it was just me. My husband is at work and I wanted to find a cute way to tell him I'm pregnant. So, I made signs for our dogs Avie and Asher. Avie had a sign that said, "Momma's Pregnant" and Asher's sign said, "What's a Baby?". Asher has been around kids, but not a baby yet. So, I thought that would be a cute sign for him. The hubs came home and I waited for him to read the sign. He was just as excited, obviously. :) Tomorrow I go in for a blood test.

IUI Today!

I got up at 6:30am! I just couldn't sleep anymore. I'm so full of emotions, the most being incredibly happy and excited to finally be at this point. I feel hopefully and incredibly grateful this morning. I'm not allowing any fears to even enter my mind. I'm filling my mind and body with positive thoughts and energy. It's in God's hands and I trust the plan he has for me. The nurse even gave me a wonderful compliment and said my positive energy was refreshing. :) I can't stop grinning today.

The procedure wasn't too terrible. The nurse did have a hard time finding my cervix. She went through 3 different clamps and even had to leave to get advise from another nurse. I had to raise my leg in a very awkward position for her to find my cervix. It was uncomfortable, but not painful, which was a huge relief.

Now we wait. Wait. *sigh* I'm not good at waiting. I'm excited, nervous and anxious all at the same time. I feel very positive though. Why wouldn't this work, right? That's what I'm choosing to believe.

Surge

Everything has changed!! I don't think I've mentioned I'm also doing ovulation testing. The nurse told me to continue with ovulation testing which they have me doing after 3pm with nothing to drink between 12pm and 3pm. I had a surge today. I called the nurse immediately and IUI is happening tomorrow! I sure hope you can hear my excitement.

My husband will go in at 7:30am to do a sperm collection. Or as he said, "I'll leave my sperm at the door for you." Ha! I love that I have a funny husband. :) They will do a sperm wash prior to the IUI. A sperm wash separates motile and healthy sperm from the non-motile and unhealthy sperm. It also separates the sperm from the semen. I had no idea that sperm and semen where two different things. They will only inject sperm into the uterus. Inserting the semen could cause infection.

I will then go in at 9am for the IUI! I'm thinking of asking them if they could just hang me upside down for a few hours. ;)

It's out of my hands. It's in God's hands. I trust whatever God has planned for us. 

I had another ultrasound this morning. My follicles have grown, but they are not ready just yet. Everything looks great though. I have 3 follicles that are close together. The nurse said with the follicles this close together, there is a chance for 3!! Yes, triplets. My response was, I am just fine with that!! She then proceeded to tell me that I would be considered a high risk for triplets and that it would not only put the other 2 at risk, but could also put my life at risk. :/ The chances are still slim, so we will cross that bridge if it happens. I do hope it's not a bridge I have to cross.

Today my follicles were at 15, 16 and 18 (if I'm remembering correctly). I go back in for another ultrasound on Thursday morning and if they are at 20, I will get a pop shot and IUI will happen on Friday! A pop shot triggers (pops) the eggs and pushes them to ovulation. I initially was going to possibly have to give myself the pop shot. I didn't even really flinch at the idea. I've grown in so many areas during this process. A year ago if you had told me I would have to give myself a shot, I might of fainted. ;)

I'm happy. I'm hopeful. I'm excited to finally be at this part of the process.

Getting Closer

I went in for an ultrasound this morning to see how close I am to ovulation. I'm showing 3 follicles on the right side which is the the side I need to ovulate on since I don't have a left tube.Three follicles on the right side is great!!!  This really gives me hope. The nurse said the follicles look great and are are about 14mm. She wants the follicle size to be at 20mm for IUI. I'll be going back in for another ultrasound on Tuesday morning. IUI should happen this week!

Hotflashes

Quick update on the clomid side effects. My last day for taking clomid was yesterday and I'm happy to say that I didn't suddenly become moody. I think I'm just so happy to be moving forward, that nothing can bring me down right now. Then there was the hot flashes and boy did I get them! Hot flashes are awful! There's really not much more to say except that hot flashes are no fun at all! At least I didn't get moody and get anyone mad at me. My husband I'm sure is relieved. ;)

The Next Step

The next step is to make an appointment on the 3rd day after my cycle for an ultrasound and blood work. That was today! The blood work and ultrasound is to make sure I can start on clomid. I have a cyst on my ovary wall that has been there since last August. It's nothing to be concerned about, but they need to make sure it's not an estrogen cyst (?) since clomid can cause them to get bigger. All came back clear, so I start that tonight.

Have I mentioned the amount of medications I'm on? It's crazy! I've been taking a prenatal pill and extra folic acid for a number of months already. Then they started me on DHEA; one half in the morning and one in the evening. My last visit they did a blood test to check my Vitamin D levels and I was low, so I'm taking 50,000mg of Vitamin D once a week. And now I'll be starting clomid twice a day. I had to get myself a little pill box with the days of the week for the am and pm just so I could keep track of it all. I feel like I should join AARP. ;)

Now about clomid.  Clomid is used to stimulate ovulation which can also cause multiple births. I'm okay with that. It may also cause me to be irritable. Great. That's just what I need. My poor husband. It can also cause me to have hot flashes and gain weight. Well that's just wonderful. *insert sarcasm*

The next step is to start ovulation testing on the 8th day after my cycle. Once I get a surge, we setup an appointment for IUI! I'm anxious, but also excited! I know I only have a 5% chance, but someone has to be in that 5%, so why not me.

Today's Regroup

It has been an extremely emotional weekend, and today was even more emotional. We had our regroup today and it didn't start out well. ALL my numbers have gone in the wrong direction since we started the testing back in August. We have a 5% chance with IUI, and a 20% chance with IVF. Yes, 20% seems better than 5%, but not when it's going to cost $28,000+, and we get one chance. Due to my situation, the Dr. would do additional testing to make sure we have healthy embryos before placing them. If the embryos are not healthy when ready to place, we would then start all over. That would save us money since the embryos were not placed, but would for sure take us well over the $28,000. All this with only a %20 chance, plus the amount this process has already cost us. I don't like the odds. Not when adoption is an option and cost about $24,000. If we go through IVF, I don't know how we could come up with another $24,000 for adoption.

Adoption has been an option in the back of our minds, but not something we have really sat down and talked about. Last year when we began this process, we did meet with someone to talk about adoption and what is involved. It helped, but we weren't ready to put adoption on the table at that point. After this weekend, and what we found out today, it's time to give it a lot more thought. I personally accepted the option of adoption months ago. My husband has had a hard time excepting this option. Not because he wouldn't want to adopt, but because he really wants us to have a baby. I didn't realize the amount of stress this was putting on me till this weekend. I have to feel that I have another option and a backup plan. I have to feel I can say I'm done. No more testing, no more medications, NO  more blood drawn. I'm not saying that I'm at this point, but I wasn't feeling I had the option and that was putting an immense amount of pressure on me. I finally had to express how I felt to my husband, because I could feel myself getting bitter. I'm glad we talked before today's appointment.

So, we've decided even though there is only a 5% chance with IUI, there is still a small chance and the cost of IUI is a lot less money to take a chance on than IVF. The Dr. even felt more comfortable with this knowing our money situation. He has been honest with our chances of getting pregnant and he is going to do everything he can to give us better odds. I'm grateful we found the Dr. we found. He has been wonderful and honest throughout this entire process. The nurse we had today was also wonderful. My regular nurse is great, but she's a straight to the point type of person, which is fine, but today I needed a little compassion. I had a small melt down when we got to the room to go over the plan. It was needed and had been building up all weekend. The nurse was so kind and said, "5% may be a small chance, but it's still a chance and we've seen it happen." I will keep hope, but remain open to God's plan.

We are also going to start the steps for adoption. I feel good about our plan. I actually feel a bit free. I feel I now can truly turn it over to God. I will either give birth to our child, or we will adopt our child. I am at peace with whatever God has planned for us.

Regroup

I really should post when I'm feeling positive. After I got my rubella and pertussis shot, I was feeling good. I felt like everything was in place. In July we'd do the IUI and I was feeling so excited.

I had to go for more blood last Friday and this past Monday. Of course more numbers were down, but the nurse didn't make me feel concerned. Today I started my cycle and since we are waiting another cycle, I called to see if I need to do the blood work again. She said it might be a good idea, or if I'm open to it, we might be able to go ahead and start me on progesterone. My response, "I'm open to everything at this point." She had to talk to the Dr. to see if this was an option. She called me back only to tell me the Dr. feels we need to regroup. Regroup!!! What does that mean!? I asked why and all she said is my numbers have dropped, so he thinks we should regroup and make sure we are all on the same page. Page?! What does this mean?! Of course, I'm a mess now. We couldn't get an appointment for tomorrow, so they are trying to see if they can get us in on Monday. So, now I get to sit with this over the weekend. To try and not think about it, well, I'm pretty sure it won't happen. I don't want to cry, yet I think about it and tears just happen. I don't know what this means and I'm scared. I have to turn this over to God. I don't know how, but I have to.

Rubella Vaccine

We were going to do IUI next month, but we have to wait till July now. My husband and I had blood panels done and mine showed I had low immunity to rubella. My Dr. highly advised I get the rubella vaccine. I then have to wait 4 weeks after the vaccination to attempt to get pregnant. I considered not getting the vaccine, but after some research it doesn't sound like that's a risk I should take. The ridiculous part is I actually was not just considering not getting the vaccine because I don't want to wait another month, but I don't like shots! I especially don't like painful shots. I also made the mistake of asking the nurse how painful the shot was, she paused and said, "I'm not going to lie to you, it's extremely painful."

I'm getting the shot tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to this at all.

Test Results

Today was a tough day. I hadn't heard from the nurse regarding my results, so I finally called this morning. I left a message and I went on with my day. Some how I actually forgot about it by mid-day. [#avoidance] Hours later I got a call just as I walked into Costco. Costco....my happy place. Really. It is the 'real' happiest place on earth. ;)

The nurse proceeded to tell me the results of 3 tests and the numbers. Well, you know the Charlie Brown scene in the classroom, wah, wah, woh wah wah wah...yeap, that was me. I have been very diligent about learning medical terms, researching, etc, etc., but it's still hard to understand it all. I finally said, you really need to explain what this all means. Basically, all my numbers have dropped! Dropped to a point of concern. I'm in the middle of Costco; not exactly the place to react. She also said I needed to get in ASAP to get more blood drawn to check my testosterone levels (?) and something else. No, I don't remember. There is just too much information to intake and remember.

I get to Conceptions to get my blood drawn and the nurse that always takes my blood says, "You're becoming a pro at this." Really? Thanks. I know she's not being insensitive, but I'm so ridiculously sensitive right now and being overly sensitive is just not a comfortable place for me. When I got back to my car I just sat there and cried. I hated it, but it was that kind of cry that you just can't push back. I wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and do nothing else the rest of the day, but I didn't. I had my good cry, turned on some music and went back to Costco. I have to allow myself my 'moments', but then I have pick myself back up and carry on. I can't let any of this take me down.

I should be receiving the results from today's blood test on Monday and will be starting on supplements next week.

Next Step...IUI

I know many have been wondering what has been going on since surgery. Well, we had to wait...again, so I checked out mentally and emotionally for a bit. This entire process becomes so overwhelming, that I sometimes just need to take a break from it, especially when we have to wait again before moving forward.

Some good news, surgery went great! I also handled it very well. :) This is a biggie since Dr.'s, hospitals, needles ...well, it all pretty much freaks me out. I'm a very big wimp in this area. I'm grateful for wonderful friends that constantly reminded me the importance of staying positive considering I was going under. Apparently I did tear up when they started to wheel me in, but I was already drugged up, so I don't remember. My husband said I started to tear up and the nurse asked me what was wrong and I said, "Don't worry, I'm fine, it's just me." ha!

So, surgery.....I don't remember a thing! ;) The first thing I remember waking up from the anesthesia is my Dr. talking to the nurse and hearing him say, "When she wakes up, let her know her other tube is open....." That's when I cried and said "That's the best news I've heard through all of this." That truly is the best news I've heard through all of this. The results from my HSG test weren't clear if my right tube was blocked or open. So, what does this mean? It means we can try artificial insemination (IUI) before IVF!!! This of course is not cheap, but it's A LOT less than IVF. If this works, we wouldn't be paying off loans for the next 6-7 years!! Especially since it seems nothing is the amount we are told. Same with surgery. I'm so grateful to those that donated to our fund. This has been a true blessing and has really helped. It's very frustrating when you not only have health insurance, but pay a hefty amount per month and when needed, we can't use it. Frustrating. It is what it is though and with everything else going on, I just have to accept it and not get worked up about it.

Recovery from surgery was absolutely terrible! The Dr. said I should be up in about 3 days. NO! I wasn't! I still couldn't walk on day 3. I have two friends that have gone through a similar surgery, so I called them and it took them 2 weeks to recover. Both who have a very high tolerance to pain. Not sure why my doctor told me 3 days. Of course when I called, he said everyone recovers at a different speed. Way to make me feel inadequate  ;) *sarcasim* Thank goodness for my wonderful husband who took such good care of me.

Moving forward, again. While we waited I used an ovulation testing kit to see if I was at least ovulating. It's more complicated now with one tube. I did ovulate the month after surgery, but this last month I did not. This was very discouraging which makes it difficult to remain positive. I feel as if nothing has been going our way, so will this?? I know, terrible attitude. I know this. I'm trying to pull myself back around, but it's hard. I want so bad to be a mom and it's hard not to get stuck in fear.  It's hard to turn it over. I'm not in control of this and for anyone who knows me, I like to be in control. This is completely out of my hands. I'm a women of faith; I know I need to turn it over, trust and most importantly, not live in fear. Fear is the enemy. I know all this, but sometimes, it's hard to let go. So, a little something I learned many years ago....fake it. Fake it till you make it. And that's exactly what I'm doing right now.

I'm going back for testing this morning. Another ultrasound and more blood work. They need to check my follicle count and LH levels. Depending on the results, I may have to take supplements to improve my chances with IUI. I already made the mistake of googling the side effects. Of course I did. I won't even bother going into that since it's unknown if I will need them. It's likely since I'm over 40, but I'm not there yet.

I ask for prayer again. Please pray that IUI works. That's the prayer I want, but I know the prayer I need most is for strength and acceptance. The strength to accept whatever happens.

Surgery

We had our pre-op on Friday and tomorrow is surgery. I'm of course a little nervous, but also excited we are getting closer to starting a family. After tomorrow, we can officially move forward with the IVF process!

My husband has truly been amazing through all of this. He was supposed to work on Friday, but he took the day off to go with me to the pre-op. He never misses work. I'm so glad he felt he should be there. It was overwhelming going over everything. There was so much information and of course hearing the things that could go wrong is not easy to hear. Having my husband there made it a lot easier.

They did some tests to check my health and for the first time in my life, I had high blood pressure! I wasn't the least bit surprised either. The worst thing I heard was I was going to have to have my cervix dilated the night before the surgery. Not again! Here we go 8 hour non-stop contraction. You would think after all this I'd be ready for a natural child birth. Uh...no. ;)

So, I'm just going to relax tonight and get a good night's sleep.

Walking in Faith

I don't really have an update, at least on the financial situation. The day I lasted posted I was really having a hard time emotionally. Overwhelmed by it all and questioning if I should move forward. I've been trying to quiet my heart long enough to hear God. I keep hearing the words of my mentor Yvonne, "What does your heart say?". She always taught me to follow my heart. Well, my heart is not done yet. I need to walk in faith and trust that some how some way we will get the remaining amount of money needed.

I've said this so many times during this whole ordeal, I am truly amazed by the friends I have in my life. Many of these friends I've known for nearly 20 years and we are still walking together. I've also gained some new friends. I'm so incredibly grateful that no matter what life puts in my path, the one thing that has been consistent in my life is my friends. Being surrounded by loving and supportive friends makes it impossible to give up.

Another thing my mentor always said, "Isn't this exciting. You are going to learn so much about yourself." I haven't reached any sort of excitement during this, but I am definitely learning a lot about myself. 

Again...we wait.

Well...time to just vent. Today, I am over it!! Tired of the stress and tears. I've come to accept that this entire process is going to be a bumpy process till the end. My only hope is that it ends with a child!

We got approved for $25,000, so I thought! That put us at $5,000 short. Today after not hearing back from our loan officer I spoke with someone else. Our loan officer forgot one minor (huge) detail which brings our loan to $20,000. That brings us to $10,000 short! I am so over it all. I know I have to keep pushing forward, but I'm tired. I have my surgery scheduled for January 15th and have to pay up front for the surgery on January 11th. If we can't get the entire amount for IVF, there is no point in getting the surgery since it is not a health risk.

So...now we wait...again. The loan officer is going to see what they can do. I just want to hear good news. I can't help but wonder if these obstacles are some sort of sign. I know, this is not the time to over think anything. I have to just turn it over. It's getting harder and harder to do this.

As I mentioned, my wonderful friend setup a fund for us. Please, please, if anyone can help, even just a little, we would truly appreciate it. I know $10,000 would be hard to raise, but every little bit will help us.

Crowdfunding