Feeling Stuck

I started this blog over two years ago and had only written two blog posts. Over two years later my husband and I are still on this journey. We are in a place we did not expect to be and thought we'd surely have a baby by now. It hasn't happened.

I now wish I had been writing about the past few months. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and finally had the opportunity to talk with a women that has also gone through the same thing. Hearing her story, and how she struggled and made it to the other side has brought me back to this blog. Going through infertility issues is a very alone feeling process. I'm blessed to have wonderful friends who have been supporting me through this, but there's still that feeling of, "Do they really understand what I'm feeling." Yes, they try to, but when you hear the words you are feeling from a person who has gone through the same exact thing, that alone feeling suddenly disappears. It caused me to re-think my level of privacy and how it is a bit selfish to keep what I'm going through all to myself and share only with those closet to me. This isn't something people talk about, and yet so many women have been through this and are going through it at this very moment. I hope by opening up and writing about this journey I might help another, even if only one women, not feel so alone.

This blog post will probably be a lengthy one since so much has happened in the past few months. I hope you will bare with me and read till the end.

August 13th we had our first consultation. My husband was working, so I wasn't sure he'd be able to make the consultation. Truthfully, I wasn't too worried if he made it or not. It's just a consult, right? I'm very grateful he felt the need to be there. I didn't know it, but I needed him there. The moment I walked up to the door my stomach started doing flip flops.

Nothing major was said during the consultation. We talked about all the things needed to make a baby (and most think you just need to have sex, not so much) and all the tests we would have to do. Wait, did I say we? Okay, my husband had to do one test. I had an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with a list of tests! And on that day I got four tubes of blood drawn and two more tubes of blood taken on a later date!

My tests would have to wait until my next cycle which fortunately was two days later, so we were able to get started right away. I was also going to be leaving for three weeks for work, and then leave again a week after that trip. The timing worked out great. Within a few days, I had blood drawn, a urine test, an ultrasound, an HSG test, and started ovulation testing. I will only go into detail about one test though.

August 20th. The HSG test. There is no nice way to describe my experience, it was horrible! Absolutely horrible! First off, the HSG test is done to check if the tubes are open. They stick a very tiny tube through the cervix and shoot dye through the tubes. They then take an x-ray. This of course being the layman's explanation. Before I go any further, I should mention, I do not do well with pain. No, really. I don't. The first HSG test was unsuccessful. This meant coming back four days later, but this time I was going to have to have my cervix dilated. Dilated! I now know exactly what that means, but at the time...no idea. Anyone that has given birth knows this causes a contraction. So, the night before I went to bed, I inserted the medicine (yes, inserted where you are thinking). I woke up at about 4am in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt! I basically had about a 6 hour constant contraction. This pretty much throws out any thoughts of a natural child birth. The HSG test was also extremely painful. They gave me valium to help me relax, but it did absolutely nothing. I do know two women that have also gone through this and said, "It wasn't that bad." So, this is just my experience and it was terribly painful.

August 29th. This roller coaster ride truly began. I was now out of town and my husband was back at home. I got to the hotel from work and received an email from my Dr.'s nurse informing me that they got the HSG results and that both of my tubes were blocked. I'm still trying to decide if this type of news should be sent via email. Of course, my emotions took over with this news and my husband wasn't there. My husband was actually furious that I was sent this info via email.

Once back from my trips we made our consultation appointment to go over all the tests.  I already knew IVF would be my only option, but was not expecting more bad news. Not only are both my tubes blocked, I have a distally blocked fallopian tube which will need to be surgically removed before we can do IVF. I pretty much sat there in disbelief. When the Dr. was done explaining everything and going over the x-rays, he looked to us waiting for us to say something. All I could do was look at my husband and say, "If I say anything, I will cry." Of course we all know what comes after a statement like that, the tears. I felt so helpless.

I really never imagined wanting a baby would come down to all this. Isn't the script already written? Find a good man. Check. Get married. Check. Buy a home. Check. Get a puppy (or two). Check.  Get pregnant. Have a baby. This is the story we women believe will happen, and for most women it goes according to the plan. But then there are those of us that the plan takes a very unexpected turn and we aren't prepared or even know how to begin processing it all. There are the 'what ifs', the financial aspect which I can't even begin to wrap my head around, my age, and of course, the 'why me'. It's a lot to process.

I am a women of Faith. I believe God has a plan and purpose for us all. Believing in that plan has been hard for me the last few weeks. My faith has been tested, not by God, but by me. Issues from my past have resurfaced. The biggest one for me is feeling broken. This is an issue I dealt with as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and now it seems it's back to haunt me again. I've been praying, but have not felt connected. To be completely honest, a part of me has been scared to connect with God. Connecting with God means I need to let go, trust, and except I have no control over the outcome. It means I need to walk in faith.

October 6th. I was searching through Amazons free mp3's and I came across a song sung by many artists and a song I know very well. "How Great is Our God", this version by Kimberly and Alberto Rivera. I felt lifted. For the first time in weeks I felt okay. I felt God with me. I felt my grandmother with me. I felt my mentor, Yvonne that I lost many years ago with me. I felt a moment of peace. As simple and as quick as that, all my fears were not necessarily gone, but were quiet. I was feeling so stuck in my emotions and I finally felt I could move forward. I have no idea what moving forward meant this night, but I felt I could move.

Next post, moving forward.