It has been an extremely emotional weekend, and today was even more emotional. We had our regroup today and it didn't start out well. ALL my numbers have gone in the wrong direction since we started the testing back in August. We have a 5% chance with IUI, and a 20% chance with IVF. Yes, 20% seems better than 5%, but not when it's going to cost $28,000+, and we get one chance. Due to my situation, the Dr. would do additional testing to make sure we have healthy embryos before placing them. If the embryos are not healthy when ready to place, we would then start all over. That would save us money since the embryos were not placed, but would for sure take us well over the $28,000. All this with only a %20 chance, plus the amount this process has already cost us. I don't like the odds. Not when adoption is an option and cost about $24,000. If we go through IVF, I don't know how we could come up with another $24,000 for adoption.
Adoption has been an option in the back of our minds, but not something we have really sat down and talked about. Last year when we began this process, we did meet with someone to talk about adoption and what is involved. It helped, but we weren't ready to put adoption on the table at that point. After this weekend, and what we found out today, it's time to give it a lot more thought. I personally accepted the option of adoption months ago. My husband has had a hard time excepting this option. Not because he wouldn't want to adopt, but because he really wants us to have a baby. I didn't realize the amount of stress this was putting on me till this weekend. I have to feel that I have another option and a backup plan. I have to feel I can say I'm done. No more testing, no more medications, NO more blood drawn. I'm not saying that I'm at this point, but I wasn't feeling I had the option and that was putting an immense amount of pressure on me. I finally had to express how I felt to my husband, because I could feel myself getting bitter. I'm glad we talked before today's appointment.
So, we've decided even though there is only a 5% chance with IUI, there is still a small chance and the cost of IUI is a lot less money to take a chance on than IVF. The Dr. even felt more comfortable with this knowing our money situation. He has been honest with our chances of getting pregnant and he is going to do everything he can to give us better odds. I'm grateful we found the Dr. we found. He has been wonderful and honest throughout this entire process. The nurse we had today was also wonderful. My regular nurse is great, but she's a straight to the point type of person, which is fine, but today I needed a little compassion. I had a small melt down when we got to the room to go over the plan. It was needed and had been building up all weekend. The nurse was so kind and said, "5% may be a small chance, but it's still a chance and we've seen it happen." I will keep hope, but remain open to God's plan.
We are also going to start the steps for adoption. I feel good about our plan. I actually feel a bit free. I feel I now can truly turn it over to God. I will either give birth to our child, or we will adopt our child. I am at peace with whatever God has planned for us.
Me
This journey begins with a lot of excitement and fears, which was the reason for this blog when I started it in 2010. It was meant to be an outlet for me, but after only two posts, I quickly realized I was a far more private person than I thought. Three years later, we are still on this journey and a lot has changed. I've come to realize that sharing this very personal journey may not only help me, but may help another woman going through the same thing.
A little about me. I've endured a lot of heart-break growing up. Through heart-aches I've gained strength, courage, faith, and the ability to laugh. I truly believe with God, loving friends and laughter, any soul can heal. I'm a strong and positive person, but I can feel this journey is testing the very person that I am. I'm grateful to have awesome women in my life walking with me. I'm also blessed with an amazing husband. I've had to be strong a lot in my life, but he has taken that burden from me, and I just couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.
A little about me. I've endured a lot of heart-break growing up. Through heart-aches I've gained strength, courage, faith, and the ability to laugh. I truly believe with God, loving friends and laughter, any soul can heal. I'm a strong and positive person, but I can feel this journey is testing the very person that I am. I'm grateful to have awesome women in my life walking with me. I'm also blessed with an amazing husband. I've had to be strong a lot in my life, but he has taken that burden from me, and I just couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Regroup
I really should post when I'm feeling positive. After I got my rubella and pertussis shot, I was feeling good. I felt like everything was in place. In July we'd do the IUI and I was feeling so excited.
I had to go for more blood last Friday and this past Monday. Of course more numbers were down, but the nurse didn't make me feel concerned. Today I started my cycle and since we are waiting another cycle, I called to see if I need to do the blood work again. She said it might be a good idea, or if I'm open to it, we might be able to go ahead and start me on progesterone. My response, "I'm open to everything at this point." She had to talk to the Dr. to see if this was an option. She called me back only to tell me the Dr. feels we need to regroup. Regroup!!! What does that mean!? I asked why and all she said is my numbers have dropped, so he thinks we should regroup and make sure we are all on the same page. Page?! What does this mean?! Of course, I'm a mess now. We couldn't get an appointment for tomorrow, so they are trying to see if they can get us in on Monday. So, now I get to sit with this over the weekend. To try and not think about it, well, I'm pretty sure it won't happen. I don't want to cry, yet I think about it and tears just happen. I don't know what this means and I'm scared. I have to turn this over to God. I don't know how, but I have to.
I had to go for more blood last Friday and this past Monday. Of course more numbers were down, but the nurse didn't make me feel concerned. Today I started my cycle and since we are waiting another cycle, I called to see if I need to do the blood work again. She said it might be a good idea, or if I'm open to it, we might be able to go ahead and start me on progesterone. My response, "I'm open to everything at this point." She had to talk to the Dr. to see if this was an option. She called me back only to tell me the Dr. feels we need to regroup. Regroup!!! What does that mean!? I asked why and all she said is my numbers have dropped, so he thinks we should regroup and make sure we are all on the same page. Page?! What does this mean?! Of course, I'm a mess now. We couldn't get an appointment for tomorrow, so they are trying to see if they can get us in on Monday. So, now I get to sit with this over the weekend. To try and not think about it, well, I'm pretty sure it won't happen. I don't want to cry, yet I think about it and tears just happen. I don't know what this means and I'm scared. I have to turn this over to God. I don't know how, but I have to.
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