We decided to have another consultation with our Dr. I honestly did not want to, but I know my husband and I both needed to. We have to find closure. I'm not okay. I'm depressed. I'm someone I don't even know right now. I'm a happy, positive, trust in God person, but I'm not that person anymore. At least not right now. I just keep praying for this to pass. Praying for resolve. Praying for acceptance. Praying for peace. I'm so heart broken I haven't even been able to think about adoption. I have always felt that if we couldn't conceive we would adopt, but I just can't think about it right now. All I can think about is how I won't be able to hear a heart beat for the first time. I won't be able to feel a baby kick in my belly. I won't be able to have that pregnancy glow. So many things I'm not going to be able to experience. And worst, I'm angry at those that get to experience it and don't even know what a blessing it is! I know that sounds horrible, but every time I see a mom treating their child in a way a child does not deserve to be treated, I get angry. I want to walk up to her and say, "Do you even realize how blessed you are." I know it's misplaced anger and it's just me feeling sorry for myself, but it's there and I can't deny it. Everything I'm feeling right now is uncomfortable because it's not who I am. I just want myself back.
We didn't really learn anything new in our consultation. The Dr. said that he is surprised I'm even getting pregnant. Of course I want to hold on to that, but I can't!! So MANY women are told this and it truly gives a false sense of hope. I'm may be getting pregnant, but my body keeps rejecting the pregnancy. He also said after the 3rd miscarry, the risk of miscarriage goes up even higher. I'm already a high risk!!
So, we've decided to do one more IUI. I'm not sure why, but I just feel I need a different ending. I don't mean getting pregnant, but just a different ending. I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen this last time around. Not that I will be prepared this next time, but I can be more realistic. The thought of one last IUI is also bringing back to adoption. This is it. If it doesn't happen, no more! We move on to adoptoin. And since the adoption seminar isn't till the end of January, that gives us enough time.
I just want closure. I just want to find peace.
Me
This journey begins with a lot of excitement and fears, which was the reason for this blog when I started it in 2010. It was meant to be an outlet for me, but after only two posts, I quickly realized I was a far more private person than I thought. Three years later, we are still on this journey and a lot has changed. I've come to realize that sharing this very personal journey may not only help me, but may help another woman going through the same thing.
A little about me. I've endured a lot of heart-break growing up. Through heart-aches I've gained strength, courage, faith, and the ability to laugh. I truly believe with God, loving friends and laughter, any soul can heal. I'm a strong and positive person, but I can feel this journey is testing the very person that I am. I'm grateful to have awesome women in my life walking with me. I'm also blessed with an amazing husband. I've had to be strong a lot in my life, but he has taken that burden from me, and I just couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.
A little about me. I've endured a lot of heart-break growing up. Through heart-aches I've gained strength, courage, faith, and the ability to laugh. I truly believe with God, loving friends and laughter, any soul can heal. I'm a strong and positive person, but I can feel this journey is testing the very person that I am. I'm grateful to have awesome women in my life walking with me. I'm also blessed with an amazing husband. I've had to be strong a lot in my life, but he has taken that burden from me, and I just couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.
No comments:
Post a Comment