We were going to do IUI next month, but we have to wait till July now. My husband and I had blood panels done and mine showed I had low immunity to rubella. My Dr. highly advised I get the rubella vaccine. I then have to wait 4 weeks after the vaccination to attempt to get pregnant. I considered not getting the vaccine, but after some research it doesn't sound like that's a risk I should take. The ridiculous part is I actually was not just considering not getting the vaccine because I don't want to wait another month, but I don't like shots! I especially don't like painful shots. I also made the mistake of asking the nurse how painful the shot was, she paused and said, "I'm not going to lie to you, it's extremely painful."
I'm getting the shot tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to this at all.
Me
This journey begins with a lot of excitement and fears, which was the reason for this blog when I started it in 2010. It was meant to be an outlet for me, but after only two posts, I quickly realized I was a far more private person than I thought. Three years later, we are still on this journey and a lot has changed. I've come to realize that sharing this very personal journey may not only help me, but may help another woman going through the same thing.
A little about me. I've endured a lot of heart-break growing up. Through heart-aches I've gained strength, courage, faith, and the ability to laugh. I truly believe with God, loving friends and laughter, any soul can heal. I'm a strong and positive person, but I can feel this journey is testing the very person that I am. I'm grateful to have awesome women in my life walking with me. I'm also blessed with an amazing husband. I've had to be strong a lot in my life, but he has taken that burden from me, and I just couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.
A little about me. I've endured a lot of heart-break growing up. Through heart-aches I've gained strength, courage, faith, and the ability to laugh. I truly believe with God, loving friends and laughter, any soul can heal. I'm a strong and positive person, but I can feel this journey is testing the very person that I am. I'm grateful to have awesome women in my life walking with me. I'm also blessed with an amazing husband. I've had to be strong a lot in my life, but he has taken that burden from me, and I just couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
Test Results
Today was a tough day. I hadn't heard from the nurse regarding my results, so I finally called this morning. I left a message and I went on with my day. Some how I actually forgot about it by mid-day. [#avoidance] Hours later I got a call just as I walked into Costco. Costco....my happy place. Really. It is the 'real' happiest place on earth. ;)
The nurse proceeded to tell me the results of 3 tests and the numbers. Well, you know the Charlie Brown scene in the classroom, wah, wah, woh wah wah wah...yeap, that was me. I have been very diligent about learning medical terms, researching, etc, etc., but it's still hard to understand it all. I finally said, you really need to explain what this all means. Basically, all my numbers have dropped! Dropped to a point of concern. I'm in the middle of Costco; not exactly the place to react. She also said I needed to get in ASAP to get more blood drawn to check my testosterone levels (?) and something else. No, I don't remember. There is just too much information to intake and remember.
I get to Conceptions to get my blood drawn and the nurse that always takes my blood says, "You're becoming a pro at this." Really? Thanks. I know she's not being insensitive, but I'm so ridiculously sensitive right now and being overly sensitive is just not a comfortable place for me. When I got back to my car I just sat there and cried. I hated it, but it was that kind of cry that you just can't push back. I wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and do nothing else the rest of the day, but I didn't. I had my good cry, turned on some music and went back to Costco. I have to allow myself my 'moments', but then I have pick myself back up and carry on. I can't let any of this take me down.
I should be receiving the results from today's blood test on Monday and will be starting on supplements next week.
The nurse proceeded to tell me the results of 3 tests and the numbers. Well, you know the Charlie Brown scene in the classroom, wah, wah, woh wah wah wah...yeap, that was me. I have been very diligent about learning medical terms, researching, etc, etc., but it's still hard to understand it all. I finally said, you really need to explain what this all means. Basically, all my numbers have dropped! Dropped to a point of concern. I'm in the middle of Costco; not exactly the place to react. She also said I needed to get in ASAP to get more blood drawn to check my testosterone levels (?) and something else. No, I don't remember. There is just too much information to intake and remember.
I get to Conceptions to get my blood drawn and the nurse that always takes my blood says, "You're becoming a pro at this." Really? Thanks. I know she's not being insensitive, but I'm so ridiculously sensitive right now and being overly sensitive is just not a comfortable place for me. When I got back to my car I just sat there and cried. I hated it, but it was that kind of cry that you just can't push back. I wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and do nothing else the rest of the day, but I didn't. I had my good cry, turned on some music and went back to Costco. I have to allow myself my 'moments', but then I have pick myself back up and carry on. I can't let any of this take me down.
I should be receiving the results from today's blood test on Monday and will be starting on supplements next week.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Next Step...IUI
I know many have been wondering what has been going on since surgery. Well, we had to wait...again, so I checked out mentally and emotionally for a bit. This entire process becomes so overwhelming, that I sometimes just need to take a break from it, especially when we have to wait again before moving forward.
Some good news, surgery went great! I also handled it very well. :) This is a biggie since Dr.'s, hospitals, needles ...well, it all pretty much freaks me out. I'm a very big wimp in this area. I'm grateful for wonderful friends that constantly reminded me the importance of staying positive considering I was going under. Apparently I did tear up when they started to wheel me in, but I was already drugged up, so I don't remember. My husband said I started to tear up and the nurse asked me what was wrong and I said, "Don't worry, I'm fine, it's just me." ha!
So, surgery.....I don't remember a thing! ;) The first thing I remember waking up from the anesthesia is my Dr. talking to the nurse and hearing him say, "When she wakes up, let her know her other tube is open....." That's when I cried and said "That's the best news I've heard through all of this." That truly is the best news I've heard through all of this. The results from my HSG test weren't clear if my right tube was blocked or open. So, what does this mean? It means we can try artificial insemination (IUI) before IVF!!! This of course is not cheap, but it's A LOT less than IVF. If this works, we wouldn't be paying off loans for the next 6-7 years!! Especially since it seems nothing is the amount we are told. Same with surgery. I'm so grateful to those that donated to our fund. This has been a true blessing and has really helped. It's very frustrating when you not only have health insurance, but pay a hefty amount per month and when needed, we can't use it. Frustrating. It is what it is though and with everything else going on, I just have to accept it and not get worked up about it.
Recovery from surgery was absolutely terrible! The Dr. said I should be up in about 3 days. NO! I wasn't! I still couldn't walk on day 3. I have two friends that have gone through a similar surgery, so I called them and it took them 2 weeks to recover. Both who have a very high tolerance to pain. Not sure why my doctor told me 3 days. Of course when I called, he said everyone recovers at a different speed. Way to make me feel inadequate ;) *sarcasim* Thank goodness for my wonderful husband who took such good care of me.
Moving forward, again. While we waited I used an ovulation testing kit to see if I was at least ovulating. It's more complicated now with one tube. I did ovulate the month after surgery, but this last month I did not. This was very discouraging which makes it difficult to remain positive. I feel as if nothing has been going our way, so will this?? I know, terrible attitude. I know this. I'm trying to pull myself back around, but it's hard. I want so bad to be a mom and it's hard not to get stuck in fear. It's hard to turn it over. I'm not in control of this and for anyone who knows me, I like to be in control. This is completely out of my hands. I'm a women of faith; I know I need to turn it over, trust and most importantly, not live in fear. Fear is the enemy. I know all this, but sometimes, it's hard to let go. So, a little something I learned many years ago....fake it. Fake it till you make it. And that's exactly what I'm doing right now.
I'm going back for testing this morning. Another ultrasound and more blood work. They need to check my follicle count and LH levels. Depending on the results, I may have to take supplements to improve my chances with IUI. I already made the mistake of googling the side effects. Of course I did. I won't even bother going into that since it's unknown if I will need them. It's likely since I'm over 40, but I'm not there yet.
I ask for prayer again. Please pray that IUI works. That's the prayer I want, but I know the prayer I need most is for strength and acceptance. The strength to accept whatever happens.
Some good news, surgery went great! I also handled it very well. :) This is a biggie since Dr.'s, hospitals, needles ...well, it all pretty much freaks me out. I'm a very big wimp in this area. I'm grateful for wonderful friends that constantly reminded me the importance of staying positive considering I was going under. Apparently I did tear up when they started to wheel me in, but I was already drugged up, so I don't remember. My husband said I started to tear up and the nurse asked me what was wrong and I said, "Don't worry, I'm fine, it's just me." ha!
So, surgery.....I don't remember a thing! ;) The first thing I remember waking up from the anesthesia is my Dr. talking to the nurse and hearing him say, "When she wakes up, let her know her other tube is open....." That's when I cried and said "That's the best news I've heard through all of this." That truly is the best news I've heard through all of this. The results from my HSG test weren't clear if my right tube was blocked or open. So, what does this mean? It means we can try artificial insemination (IUI) before IVF!!! This of course is not cheap, but it's A LOT less than IVF. If this works, we wouldn't be paying off loans for the next 6-7 years!! Especially since it seems nothing is the amount we are told. Same with surgery. I'm so grateful to those that donated to our fund. This has been a true blessing and has really helped. It's very frustrating when you not only have health insurance, but pay a hefty amount per month and when needed, we can't use it. Frustrating. It is what it is though and with everything else going on, I just have to accept it and not get worked up about it.
Recovery from surgery was absolutely terrible! The Dr. said I should be up in about 3 days. NO! I wasn't! I still couldn't walk on day 3. I have two friends that have gone through a similar surgery, so I called them and it took them 2 weeks to recover. Both who have a very high tolerance to pain. Not sure why my doctor told me 3 days. Of course when I called, he said everyone recovers at a different speed. Way to make me feel inadequate ;) *sarcasim* Thank goodness for my wonderful husband who took such good care of me.
Moving forward, again. While we waited I used an ovulation testing kit to see if I was at least ovulating. It's more complicated now with one tube. I did ovulate the month after surgery, but this last month I did not. This was very discouraging which makes it difficult to remain positive. I feel as if nothing has been going our way, so will this?? I know, terrible attitude. I know this. I'm trying to pull myself back around, but it's hard. I want so bad to be a mom and it's hard not to get stuck in fear. It's hard to turn it over. I'm not in control of this and for anyone who knows me, I like to be in control. This is completely out of my hands. I'm a women of faith; I know I need to turn it over, trust and most importantly, not live in fear. Fear is the enemy. I know all this, but sometimes, it's hard to let go. So, a little something I learned many years ago....fake it. Fake it till you make it. And that's exactly what I'm doing right now.
I'm going back for testing this morning. Another ultrasound and more blood work. They need to check my follicle count and LH levels. Depending on the results, I may have to take supplements to improve my chances with IUI. I already made the mistake of googling the side effects. Of course I did. I won't even bother going into that since it's unknown if I will need them. It's likely since I'm over 40, but I'm not there yet.
I ask for prayer again. Please pray that IUI works. That's the prayer I want, but I know the prayer I need most is for strength and acceptance. The strength to accept whatever happens.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Surgery
We had our pre-op on Friday and tomorrow is surgery. I'm of course a little nervous, but also excited we are getting closer to starting a family. After tomorrow, we can officially move forward with the IVF process!
My husband has truly been amazing through all of this. He was supposed to work on Friday, but he took the day off to go with me to the pre-op. He never misses work. I'm so glad he felt he should be there. It was overwhelming going over everything. There was so much information and of course hearing the things that could go wrong is not easy to hear. Having my husband there made it a lot easier.
They did some tests to check my health and for the first time in my life, I had high blood pressure! I wasn't the least bit surprised either. The worst thing I heard was I was going to have to have my cervix dilated the night before the surgery. Not again! Here we go 8 hour non-stop contraction. You would think after all this I'd be ready for a natural child birth. Uh...no. ;)
So, I'm just going to relax tonight and get a good night's sleep.
My husband has truly been amazing through all of this. He was supposed to work on Friday, but he took the day off to go with me to the pre-op. He never misses work. I'm so glad he felt he should be there. It was overwhelming going over everything. There was so much information and of course hearing the things that could go wrong is not easy to hear. Having my husband there made it a lot easier.
They did some tests to check my health and for the first time in my life, I had high blood pressure! I wasn't the least bit surprised either. The worst thing I heard was I was going to have to have my cervix dilated the night before the surgery. Not again! Here we go 8 hour non-stop contraction. You would think after all this I'd be ready for a natural child birth. Uh...no. ;)
So, I'm just going to relax tonight and get a good night's sleep.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Walking in Faith
I don't really have an update, at least on the financial situation. The day I lasted posted I was really having a hard time emotionally. Overwhelmed by it all and questioning if I should move forward. I've been trying to quiet my heart long enough to hear God. I keep hearing the words of my mentor Yvonne, "What does your heart say?". She always taught me to follow my heart. Well, my heart is not done yet. I need to walk in faith and trust that some how some way we will get the remaining amount of money needed.
I've said this so many times during this whole ordeal, I am truly amazed by the friends I have in my life. Many of these friends I've known for nearly 20 years and we are still walking together. I've also gained some new friends. I'm so incredibly grateful that no matter what life puts in my path, the one thing that has been consistent in my life is my friends. Being surrounded by loving and supportive friends makes it impossible to give up.
Another thing my mentor always said, "Isn't this exciting. You are going to learn so much about yourself." I haven't reached any sort of excitement during this, but I am definitely learning a lot about myself.
I've said this so many times during this whole ordeal, I am truly amazed by the friends I have in my life. Many of these friends I've known for nearly 20 years and we are still walking together. I've also gained some new friends. I'm so incredibly grateful that no matter what life puts in my path, the one thing that has been consistent in my life is my friends. Being surrounded by loving and supportive friends makes it impossible to give up.
Another thing my mentor always said, "Isn't this exciting. You are going to learn so much about yourself." I haven't reached any sort of excitement during this, but I am definitely learning a lot about myself.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Again...we wait.
Well...time to just vent. Today, I am over it!! Tired of the stress and tears. I've come to accept that this entire process is going to be a bumpy process till the end. My only hope is that it ends with a child!
We got approved for $25,000, so I thought! That put us at $5,000 short. Today after not hearing back from our loan officer I spoke with someone else. Our loan officer forgot one minor (huge) detail which brings our loan to $20,000. That brings us to $10,000 short! I am so over it all. I know I have to keep pushing forward, but I'm tired. I have my surgery scheduled for January 15th and have to pay up front for the surgery on January 11th. If we can't get the entire amount for IVF, there is no point in getting the surgery since it is not a health risk.
So...now we wait...again. The loan officer is going to see what they can do. I just want to hear good news. I can't help but wonder if these obstacles are some sort of sign. I know, this is not the time to over think anything. I have to just turn it over. It's getting harder and harder to do this.
As I mentioned, my wonderful friend setup a fund for us. Please, please, if anyone can help, even just a little, we would truly appreciate it. I know $10,000 would be hard to raise, but every little bit will help us.
We got approved for $25,000, so I thought! That put us at $5,000 short. Today after not hearing back from our loan officer I spoke with someone else. Our loan officer forgot one minor (huge) detail which brings our loan to $20,000. That brings us to $10,000 short! I am so over it all. I know I have to keep pushing forward, but I'm tired. I have my surgery scheduled for January 15th and have to pay up front for the surgery on January 11th. If we can't get the entire amount for IVF, there is no point in getting the surgery since it is not a health risk.
So...now we wait...again. The loan officer is going to see what they can do. I just want to hear good news. I can't help but wonder if these obstacles are some sort of sign. I know, this is not the time to over think anything. I have to just turn it over. It's getting harder and harder to do this.
As I mentioned, my wonderful friend setup a fund for us. Please, please, if anyone can help, even just a little, we would truly appreciate it. I know $10,000 would be hard to raise, but every little bit will help us.
Friday, December 28, 2012
More Waiting
It's been an extremely busy end of year, which may have been good to help me de-focus a little while we tried to get everything in order to prepare for taking out a very big loan. I got a promotion at work! (Yay me.) The biggest thing we need for our loan is collateral. My car is a Subaru that we bought new and the great thing about Subaru's, they hold their value. It's not enough for the entire loan, but hopefully enough for at least half. We got the balling rolling for the loan on December 20th only to have it stop! Well...it's rolling again. It's been a very frustrating......oh wait, it's only been a week. It feels like it's been a lot longer than a week! Amazing how that happens.
The first bank we were going to go through, the loan officer was out till the 4th of January. I'm trying to schedule my surgery for January 8th, so that wasn't going to work. I decided to call my bank which is a credit union to see if maybe that's the route we should go. It started out very smoothly. I even found out I have A+ credit!!! I actually thought I had bad credit so this was great, GREAT news!! The only downfall is I don't have credit. I have one credit card and apparently part of having good credit, is to have credit. I don't like credit! So, as a joke I said, "Well, give me a loan and I'll have more credit." ha! :) The loan officer, Jim took all the info on our cars, ran credit reports, etc., etc., and then I heard nothing. Nothing!! I left message after message. I know I should show a little patience being the time of year it is, but patience is just not an option right now. I need to pay for the surgery in cash, and my husband is worried about interest rates going up the first of the year. So we basically need things done now! I finally spoke with several loan officers yesterday letting them know how frustrated I was that Jim was not getting back to us. Finally heard from Jim today! We went over the vehicle info...again...a little frustrating, but it is what it is. So now....the paper work is being sent to the underwriters and we should know today if we are approved. Talk about the perfect situation for an ulcer to invade my body! My stomach is in knots! I feel like it's been such an emotional, stressful year and I do hope that 2013 is the beginning of good news.
On another note, I have an amazing friend back home, Linda, that has been trying to help us in any way she can. I wasn't sure I was going to share this, but as she has reminded me, I need to accept that we need help. This is a huge financial undertaking and I worry so much about our financial future. She set-up a fund for us and I can't express how much we appreciate those that have donated to our cause. We have a special savings account setup for our baby fund and how wonderful it is not to have a $0 balance. This truthfully has helped keep me going when I have wanted to give up. So thank you to those that have helped. I have felt so much love during all of this.
The first bank we were going to go through, the loan officer was out till the 4th of January. I'm trying to schedule my surgery for January 8th, so that wasn't going to work. I decided to call my bank which is a credit union to see if maybe that's the route we should go. It started out very smoothly. I even found out I have A+ credit!!! I actually thought I had bad credit so this was great, GREAT news!! The only downfall is I don't have credit. I have one credit card and apparently part of having good credit, is to have credit. I don't like credit! So, as a joke I said, "Well, give me a loan and I'll have more credit." ha! :) The loan officer, Jim took all the info on our cars, ran credit reports, etc., etc., and then I heard nothing. Nothing!! I left message after message. I know I should show a little patience being the time of year it is, but patience is just not an option right now. I need to pay for the surgery in cash, and my husband is worried about interest rates going up the first of the year. So we basically need things done now! I finally spoke with several loan officers yesterday letting them know how frustrated I was that Jim was not getting back to us. Finally heard from Jim today! We went over the vehicle info...again...a little frustrating, but it is what it is. So now....the paper work is being sent to the underwriters and we should know today if we are approved. Talk about the perfect situation for an ulcer to invade my body! My stomach is in knots! I feel like it's been such an emotional, stressful year and I do hope that 2013 is the beginning of good news.
On another note, I have an amazing friend back home, Linda, that has been trying to help us in any way she can. I wasn't sure I was going to share this, but as she has reminded me, I need to accept that we need help. This is a huge financial undertaking and I worry so much about our financial future. She set-up a fund for us and I can't express how much we appreciate those that have donated to our cause. We have a special savings account setup for our baby fund and how wonderful it is not to have a $0 balance. This truthfully has helped keep me going when I have wanted to give up. So thank you to those that have helped. I have felt so much love during all of this.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Moving Forward
Today my nerves are a wreck! We are already receiving medical bills we were told were covered, but turns out they are not. We also finally got the amount of the surgery I need. Moving forward has me freaking out a little. The breakdown of what all this is going to cost is incredibly overwhelming.
Surgery: $6,450.00 (estimate)
IVF: $17,900.00
Coordination and Care Fee: $926.50
Medications: up to $7,000
Anesthesia: $400.00
Total: 32,676.50
I'm not sure what the hardest part about all this is, but I do think it's the financial aspect. Taking out this much money is going to make things hard. Very hard. When we were at the Dr.'s office and he was going over all the costs, I just wanted to start laughing! Really. I wanted to, but I refrained. Laughing is a bit of a coping mechanism for me. I was worried if I started laughing, I'd end up crying and the Dr. would think I was nuts. And the money has increased substantially since that visit. I know the money will all be worth it, but it's hard to wrap my mind around. Of course, the bigger fear is what if we don't get approved for a loan.
I have a lot of fears and get caught up in the 'what ifs'.
What if they find something unexpected in surgery?
What if IVF doesn't take the first time?
What if my eggs aren't healthy enough?
What if I don't have enough healthy eggs for IVF a second time if the first time doesn't work?
What if IVF doesn't take a second time?
What if we can't get a loan?
What if we can't get any more money if IVF doesn't work the first time?
What if we go through all of the above, IVF doesn't work, how would we then afford adoption?
I know, I have to let go of it all, but it's not easy. Some days are better than others. Today is a hard day and my eyes will not stop welling up with tears. I am thankful that I have more good days than bad. I'm surrounded by a lot of love and support which carries me through the bad days. I'm thankful to have such amazing friends and an amazing husband. My husband has truly been my rock through this. Every time I get caught up in the 'what ifs' he tells me, "one way or another, we WILL figure this out." I love him. I'm grateful for his strength when I'm not feeling so strong. So, even though today has been hard with off and on tears, I am grateful for so much.
Surgery: $6,450.00 (estimate)
IVF: $17,900.00
Coordination and Care Fee: $926.50
Medications: up to $7,000
Anesthesia: $400.00
Total: 32,676.50
I'm not sure what the hardest part about all this is, but I do think it's the financial aspect. Taking out this much money is going to make things hard. Very hard. When we were at the Dr.'s office and he was going over all the costs, I just wanted to start laughing! Really. I wanted to, but I refrained. Laughing is a bit of a coping mechanism for me. I was worried if I started laughing, I'd end up crying and the Dr. would think I was nuts. And the money has increased substantially since that visit. I know the money will all be worth it, but it's hard to wrap my mind around. Of course, the bigger fear is what if we don't get approved for a loan.
I have a lot of fears and get caught up in the 'what ifs'.
What if they find something unexpected in surgery?
What if IVF doesn't take the first time?
What if my eggs aren't healthy enough?
What if I don't have enough healthy eggs for IVF a second time if the first time doesn't work?
What if IVF doesn't take a second time?
What if we can't get a loan?
What if we can't get any more money if IVF doesn't work the first time?
What if we go through all of the above, IVF doesn't work, how would we then afford adoption?
I know, I have to let go of it all, but it's not easy. Some days are better than others. Today is a hard day and my eyes will not stop welling up with tears. I am thankful that I have more good days than bad. I'm surrounded by a lot of love and support which carries me through the bad days. I'm thankful to have such amazing friends and an amazing husband. My husband has truly been my rock through this. Every time I get caught up in the 'what ifs' he tells me, "one way or another, we WILL figure this out." I love him. I'm grateful for his strength when I'm not feeling so strong. So, even though today has been hard with off and on tears, I am grateful for so much.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Feeling Stuck
I started this blog over two years ago and had only written two blog posts. Over two years later my husband and I are still on this journey. We are in a place we did not expect to be and thought we'd surely have a baby by now. It hasn't happened.
I now wish I had been writing about the past few months. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and finally had the opportunity to talk with a women that has also gone through the same thing. Hearing her story, and how she struggled and made it to the other side has brought me back to this blog. Going through infertility issues is a very alone feeling process. I'm blessed to have wonderful friends who have been supporting me through this, but there's still that feeling of, "Do they really understand what I'm feeling." Yes, they try to, but when you hear the words you are feeling from a person who has gone through the same exact thing, that alone feeling suddenly disappears. It caused me to re-think my level of privacy and how it is a bit selfish to keep what I'm going through all to myself and share only with those closet to me. This isn't something people talk about, and yet so many women have been through this and are going through it at this very moment. I hope by opening up and writing about this journey I might help another, even if only one women, not feel so alone.
This blog post will probably be a lengthy one since so much has happened in the past few months. I hope you will bare with me and read till the end.
August 13th we had our first consultation. My husband was working, so I wasn't sure he'd be able to make the consultation. Truthfully, I wasn't too worried if he made it or not. It's just a consult, right? I'm very grateful he felt the need to be there. I didn't know it, but I needed him there. The moment I walked up to the door my stomach started doing flip flops.
Nothing major was said during the consultation. We talked about all the things needed to make a baby (and most think you just need to have sex, not so much) and all the tests we would have to do. Wait, did I say we? Okay, my husband had to do one test. I had an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with a list of tests! And on that day I got four tubes of blood drawn and two more tubes of blood taken on a later date!
My tests would have to wait until my next cycle which fortunately was two days later, so we were able to get started right away. I was also going to be leaving for three weeks for work, and then leave again a week after that trip. The timing worked out great. Within a few days, I had blood drawn, a urine test, an ultrasound, an HSG test, and started ovulation testing. I will only go into detail about one test though.
August 20th. The HSG test. There is no nice way to describe my experience, it was horrible! Absolutely horrible! First off, the HSG test is done to check if the tubes are open. They stick a very tiny tube through the cervix and shoot dye through the tubes. They then take an x-ray. This of course being the layman's explanation. Before I go any further, I should mention, I do not do well with pain. No, really. I don't. The first HSG test was unsuccessful. This meant coming back four days later, but this time I was going to have to have my cervix dilated. Dilated! I now know exactly what that means, but at the time...no idea. Anyone that has given birth knows this causes a contraction. So, the night before I went to bed, I inserted the medicine (yes, inserted where you are thinking). I woke up at about 4am in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt! I basically had about a 6 hour constant contraction. This pretty much throws out any thoughts of a natural child birth. The HSG test was also extremely painful. They gave me valium to help me relax, but it did absolutely nothing. I do know two women that have also gone through this and said, "It wasn't that bad." So, this is just my experience and it was terribly painful.
August 29th. This roller coaster ride truly began. I was now out of town and my husband was back at home. I got to the hotel from work and received an email from my Dr.'s nurse informing me that they got the HSG results and that both of my tubes were blocked. I'm still trying to decide if this type of news should be sent via email. Of course, my emotions took over with this news and my husband wasn't there. My husband was actually furious that I was sent this info via email.
Once back from my trips we made our consultation appointment to go over all the tests. I already knew IVF would be my only option, but was not expecting more bad news. Not only are both my tubes blocked, I have a distally blocked fallopian tube which will need to be surgically removed before we can do IVF. I pretty much sat there in disbelief. When the Dr. was done explaining everything and going over the x-rays, he looked to us waiting for us to say something. All I could do was look at my husband and say, "If I say anything, I will cry." Of course we all know what comes after a statement like that, the tears. I felt so helpless.
I really never imagined wanting a baby would come down to all this. Isn't the script already written? Find a good man. Check. Get married. Check. Buy a home. Check. Get a puppy (or two). Check. Get pregnant. Have a baby. This is the story we women believe will happen, and for most women it goes according to the plan. But then there are those of us that the plan takes a very unexpected turn and we aren't prepared or even know how to begin processing it all. There are the 'what ifs', the financial aspect which I can't even begin to wrap my head around, my age, and of course, the 'why me'. It's a lot to process.
I am a women of Faith. I believe God has a plan and purpose for us all. Believing in that plan has been hard for me the last few weeks. My faith has been tested, not by God, but by me. Issues from my past have resurfaced. The biggest one for me is feeling broken. This is an issue I dealt with as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and now it seems it's back to haunt me again. I've been praying, but have not felt connected. To be completely honest, a part of me has been scared to connect with God. Connecting with God means I need to let go, trust, and except I have no control over the outcome. It means I need to walk in faith.
October 6th. I was searching through Amazons free mp3's and I came across a song sung by many artists and a song I know very well. "How Great is Our God", this version by Kimberly and Alberto Rivera. I felt lifted. For the first time in weeks I felt okay. I felt God with me. I felt my grandmother with me. I felt my mentor, Yvonne that I lost many years ago with me. I felt a moment of peace. As simple and as quick as that, all my fears were not necessarily gone, but were quiet. I was feeling so stuck in my emotions and I finally felt I could move forward. I have no idea what moving forward meant this night, but I felt I could move.
Next post, moving forward.
I now wish I had been writing about the past few months. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and finally had the opportunity to talk with a women that has also gone through the same thing. Hearing her story, and how she struggled and made it to the other side has brought me back to this blog. Going through infertility issues is a very alone feeling process. I'm blessed to have wonderful friends who have been supporting me through this, but there's still that feeling of, "Do they really understand what I'm feeling." Yes, they try to, but when you hear the words you are feeling from a person who has gone through the same exact thing, that alone feeling suddenly disappears. It caused me to re-think my level of privacy and how it is a bit selfish to keep what I'm going through all to myself and share only with those closet to me. This isn't something people talk about, and yet so many women have been through this and are going through it at this very moment. I hope by opening up and writing about this journey I might help another, even if only one women, not feel so alone.
This blog post will probably be a lengthy one since so much has happened in the past few months. I hope you will bare with me and read till the end.
August 13th we had our first consultation. My husband was working, so I wasn't sure he'd be able to make the consultation. Truthfully, I wasn't too worried if he made it or not. It's just a consult, right? I'm very grateful he felt the need to be there. I didn't know it, but I needed him there. The moment I walked up to the door my stomach started doing flip flops.
Nothing major was said during the consultation. We talked about all the things needed to make a baby (and most think you just need to have sex, not so much) and all the tests we would have to do. Wait, did I say we? Okay, my husband had to do one test. I had an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with a list of tests! And on that day I got four tubes of blood drawn and two more tubes of blood taken on a later date!
My tests would have to wait until my next cycle which fortunately was two days later, so we were able to get started right away. I was also going to be leaving for three weeks for work, and then leave again a week after that trip. The timing worked out great. Within a few days, I had blood drawn, a urine test, an ultrasound, an HSG test, and started ovulation testing. I will only go into detail about one test though.
August 20th. The HSG test. There is no nice way to describe my experience, it was horrible! Absolutely horrible! First off, the HSG test is done to check if the tubes are open. They stick a very tiny tube through the cervix and shoot dye through the tubes. They then take an x-ray. This of course being the layman's explanation. Before I go any further, I should mention, I do not do well with pain. No, really. I don't. The first HSG test was unsuccessful. This meant coming back four days later, but this time I was going to have to have my cervix dilated. Dilated! I now know exactly what that means, but at the time...no idea. Anyone that has given birth knows this causes a contraction. So, the night before I went to bed, I inserted the medicine (yes, inserted where you are thinking). I woke up at about 4am in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt! I basically had about a 6 hour constant contraction. This pretty much throws out any thoughts of a natural child birth. The HSG test was also extremely painful. They gave me valium to help me relax, but it did absolutely nothing. I do know two women that have also gone through this and said, "It wasn't that bad." So, this is just my experience and it was terribly painful.
August 29th. This roller coaster ride truly began. I was now out of town and my husband was back at home. I got to the hotel from work and received an email from my Dr.'s nurse informing me that they got the HSG results and that both of my tubes were blocked. I'm still trying to decide if this type of news should be sent via email. Of course, my emotions took over with this news and my husband wasn't there. My husband was actually furious that I was sent this info via email.
Once back from my trips we made our consultation appointment to go over all the tests. I already knew IVF would be my only option, but was not expecting more bad news. Not only are both my tubes blocked, I have a distally blocked fallopian tube which will need to be surgically removed before we can do IVF. I pretty much sat there in disbelief. When the Dr. was done explaining everything and going over the x-rays, he looked to us waiting for us to say something. All I could do was look at my husband and say, "If I say anything, I will cry." Of course we all know what comes after a statement like that, the tears. I felt so helpless.
I really never imagined wanting a baby would come down to all this. Isn't the script already written? Find a good man. Check. Get married. Check. Buy a home. Check. Get a puppy (or two). Check. Get pregnant. Have a baby. This is the story we women believe will happen, and for most women it goes according to the plan. But then there are those of us that the plan takes a very unexpected turn and we aren't prepared or even know how to begin processing it all. There are the 'what ifs', the financial aspect which I can't even begin to wrap my head around, my age, and of course, the 'why me'. It's a lot to process.
I am a women of Faith. I believe God has a plan and purpose for us all. Believing in that plan has been hard for me the last few weeks. My faith has been tested, not by God, but by me. Issues from my past have resurfaced. The biggest one for me is feeling broken. This is an issue I dealt with as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and now it seems it's back to haunt me again. I've been praying, but have not felt connected. To be completely honest, a part of me has been scared to connect with God. Connecting with God means I need to let go, trust, and except I have no control over the outcome. It means I need to walk in faith.
October 6th. I was searching through Amazons free mp3's and I came across a song sung by many artists and a song I know very well. "How Great is Our God", this version by Kimberly and Alberto Rivera. I felt lifted. For the first time in weeks I felt okay. I felt God with me. I felt my grandmother with me. I felt my mentor, Yvonne that I lost many years ago with me. I felt a moment of peace. As simple and as quick as that, all my fears were not necessarily gone, but were quiet. I was feeling so stuck in my emotions and I finally felt I could move forward. I have no idea what moving forward meant this night, but I felt I could move.
Next post, moving forward.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
2010 More time to get my body ready.
How do you like them apples? I post my first post and then disappear. I sure hope I didn't loose any readers.....all two. :)
Well, my disappearance wasn't because I'm pregnant, I'm not. I really didn't think I was, and I was also a little bit relieved. Of course, I would have been ecstatic if I was, but I still don't feel my body is up to the whole pregnancy thing. And yes, I do realize that my body may never feel up to it, but I've been trying to get fit before I get pregnant. Not necessarily to loose weight (although a nice plus), but to feel stronger. I know if I physically feel stronger, I will feel much more confident about enduring 9 months of pregnancy. I would also like my body to be nutritionally healthy. I've received criticism and negative responses from quite a few that I've told this to. "Your body is never going to be ready". I realize that I'm not going to be able to create a perfect 'house' for my baby. But I feel it is very important to get my body as ready as possible, especially at my age (38). I don't feel I've been extreme about this, but even if I was, I'd much rather be on the extreme end of wanting to have a healthy body for my baby than just not care at all. Oh and to the response, "Women get pregnant everyday that weren't planning and weren't' ready." Yes, I know, the difference is we are planning, so shouldn't that entail some 'planning'. Well, there's my brief vent on that.
Looks like I have another month to get my body ready. :)
Well, my disappearance wasn't because I'm pregnant, I'm not. I really didn't think I was, and I was also a little bit relieved. Of course, I would have been ecstatic if I was, but I still don't feel my body is up to the whole pregnancy thing. And yes, I do realize that my body may never feel up to it, but I've been trying to get fit before I get pregnant. Not necessarily to loose weight (although a nice plus), but to feel stronger. I know if I physically feel stronger, I will feel much more confident about enduring 9 months of pregnancy. I would also like my body to be nutritionally healthy. I've received criticism and negative responses from quite a few that I've told this to. "Your body is never going to be ready". I realize that I'm not going to be able to create a perfect 'house' for my baby. But I feel it is very important to get my body as ready as possible, especially at my age (38). I don't feel I've been extreme about this, but even if I was, I'd much rather be on the extreme end of wanting to have a healthy body for my baby than just not care at all. Oh and to the response, "Women get pregnant everyday that weren't planning and weren't' ready." Yes, I know, the difference is we are planning, so shouldn't that entail some 'planning'. Well, there's my brief vent on that.
Looks like I have another month to get my body ready. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)